If you’re a pastor, you don’t have to be distant from your members to be a good leader. In fact, people need to know that their pastor is approachable, that they can talk to you, laugh with you, ask questions, and sometimes even share what they are going through. Jesus was close enough to people that they could sit with Him, eat with Him, ask Him difficult questions, and tell Him what was on their minds.
But closeness without boundaries can become a problem.
If you become extremely close to one particular member, especially to the point where you are constantly discussing personal matters, sharing everything with each other, or becoming emotionally dependent on the relationship, you need to be careful. You may not see the danger while everything is going well, but the real test can come when you disagree.
Today, the person may agree with you, admire you and defend you. Tomorrow, you may make a decision they don’t like, correct them, disappoint them, or simply refuse to give them what they want. If there has been too much familiarity without healthy boundaries, that disagreement can affect the relationship, the person’s perception of your leadership, and sometimes even how they relate to the church.
That’s why you can love people deeply without becoming overly entangled with them.
One thing I would encourage pastors to remember is that not every member should have the same level of access to you. You can be friendly with everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs the same degree of personal access, information, time or emotional closeness.
And this is where discernment becomes important. Paul says, “We wrestle not against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:12). That doesn’t mean you should start looking at your members suspiciously or assume that everyone who disagrees with you is being used by the devil. People will disagree with you for perfectly human reasons. But it does remind you that ministry relationships can sometimes come under pressures you didn’t anticipate.
So draw the line before there is a problem, not after one has already developed.
Be approachable, but maintain boundaries.
Love your members, but don’t become dependent on their approval.
Listen to them, but don’t tell everyone everything.
Build relationships, but don’t create unhealthy attachments.
Jesus loved His disciples deeply, yet He still understood boundaries and purpose. Being close to people is part of pastoral ministry; knowing how close to become is part of pastoral wisdom.
And perhaps one of the safest principles is this: Don’t build a relationship so dependent on personal closeness that it cannot survive disagreement. A healthy pastoral relationship should still have room for correction, different opinions, boundaries and even disappointment without becoming hostile.
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