It can be frustrating when someone agrees with a decision in a meeting but later resists it privately.
They may say, “Yes, that’s fine,” in front of everyone, but then complain to others, delay the implementation, ignore instructions, or quietly encourage people to do things differently.
The first mistake is to immediately label the person rebellious or disloyal.
Before confronting them, try to understand what is actually happening.
First, find out what kind of resistance it is
Private resistance can come from different things:
- They genuinely disagree with the decision.
- They don’t feel safe expressing disagreement publicly.
- They misunderstood the decision.
- They think there is a practical problem you haven’t considered.
- They agreed under pressure but never truly supported the decision.
- They have a personal issue with the leader.
- They are deliberately undermining the decision.
These situations should not all be handled the same way.
Have a private conversation
Don’t begin by accusing them in front of the team.
Speak with them privately.
You could say:
“I noticed that you seemed comfortable with the decision when we discussed it together, but I’ve noticed some hesitation since then. I’d like to understand your concerns. Is there something you didn’t feel comfortable saying in the meeting?”
This gives the person an opportunity to explain themselves without immediately putting them on the defensive.
Listen before correcting
If they raise a legitimate concern, take it seriously.
You may discover that the person noticed something you missed.
A leader shouldn’t interpret every disagreement as resistance.
Ask:
- What specifically do you disagree with?
- What concern do you have?
- What do you think will happen if we proceed?
- Is there information you think I don’t have?
- What would you recommend instead?
Sometimes the person isn’t resisting the decision. They are resisting the way the decision is being implemented.
That’s an important distinction.
If they disagree but accept the decision
Healthy teams don’t require everyone to agree on every decision.
Someone can say:
“I still don’t think this is the best approach, but I understand the decision and I’ll support the team.”
That is very different from saying:
“I disagree, and I’m going to quietly work against it.”
The first is healthy disagreement.
The second is a leadership problem.
Make expectations clear
If someone has genuinely been working against an agreed decision, address the behavior directly.
You might say:
“You are free to disagree with a decision, and I want people to feel free to express concerns. But once a decision has been made and communicated, we need to work together to implement it. If you believe something needs to change, bring it back to leadership rather than working around the decision.”
This establishes an important principle:
Disagreement is allowed. Undermining is not.
Don’t create a culture where people only agree because they are afraid
If everyone always says yes in meetings, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a united team.
It may mean people don’t feel safe disagreeing.
A leader should occasionally ask:
“What concerns do you have about this decision?”
or:
“If you think this won’t work, tell me now. I would rather hear it here than discover the problem later.”
When people know they can respectfully disagree, they are more likely to express genuine concerns openly.
But don’t ignore repeated private resistance
If you’ve listened, clarified the decision, addressed misunderstandings, and made reasonable expectations clear—but the person continues deliberately working against decisions—then the issue may have moved beyond disagreement.
It may now involve trust, accountability, or suitability for the responsibility they hold.
At that point, deal with the specific behavior rather than attacking their character.
Don’t say:
“You are disloyal.”
Instead say:
“We agreed on this approach, but you have repeatedly instructed people to do something different. We need to address that.”
Be specific about what happened, what the expectation is, and what needs to change.
A simple leadership framework
When someone agrees publicly but resists privately, use:
Notice → Ask → Listen → Clarify → Decide → Set Expectations → Follow Up
Don’t assume.
Don’t ignore.
Don’t publicly embarrass the person.
And don’t allow hidden resistance to continue indefinitely.
What to do next
If you’re dealing with this situation now:
- Identify the specific behavior you’re concerned about.
- Speak with the person privately.
- Ask whether they genuinely disagree and why.
- Listen for legitimate concerns.
- Clarify anything that was misunderstood.
- Explain why the decision was made.
- Give them an appropriate opportunity to disagree.
- Clarify what support and cooperation now look like.
- Follow up after implementation.
- If deliberate resistance continues, address the accountability issue directly.
A healthy ministry team does not require everyone to think alike. It requires people to be honest enough to disagree openly and mature enough to work together once a decision has been made.
